Job 10:1

My soul loathes my life,

   Let me give free rein to my lament,

      Speak out in the bitterness of my soul.

 

We had a great weekend traveling to see the big kid. It started with a “I’ve never been this mad!” quote and went way up hill from there. We got to meet some of her new friends, and it was great to see the wonder of what might be ahead for them. I know our kid has been given every advantage we could, but the blank slate of opportunity before college freshmen is wonderous.

“My soul” was also “I” and “my whole being”. “My life” was also “life” and “my very life”. “Loath” was also “weary”, “disgusted”, and “fed up with”. I felt my whole being and my very life were unnecessary extremes. I felt the opposite for “I” and “life”. I maybe incorrectly use loathe with a time gathered distaste definition/feel, but it seemed to capture the other options intent.

“Let me” was “I will” or “I might as well”. “Free rein” was also “free utterance”, “all abandon”, “vent”, and some stuff I couldn’t follow. “My lament” was also “my complaint”, seven times.  

“My soul” was also “my being” and “my spirit”. No real logic, for the other decisions; just feel.

Job is transitioning between the focus in chapter 9 to the focus in chapter 10. I am transitioning to being the parent of two girls to being the parent of an adult and a teenager. When the big kid was little, she had six years of our nearly undivided attention as we still had a lot of time for her and ourselves. When the little kid came, we were older, had more big kid activities to engage with, and a newborn to care for 24/7. It was only many years later that we realized the girls were not little and we (or at least I) realized each needed their own individual attention from both parents. There was a lot of mom did the big kid stuff and dad did the little kid stuff. The little kid is now getting time with each, and the big kid is too, only remotely.

Yesterday we had a little free time that we used to visit the Oklahoma City National Memorial & Museum. I remember how the event welled up in me a desire to hate the men and women who perpetrated the crime. I did not actually know women were involved until yesterday. I had assumed it was all white men. We have been grateful for the positive community that led our big kid to Oklahoma for school, but the tremendous efforts by them documented in this museum and memorial to push hate away as a response and embrace love was overwhelming. The men and women behind this bombing were described by the then president as evil cowards. But they were just people who needed God a little more than some others and did not find Him in time.

We also had time to meet with one of my mom’s best friends who lives in the area. It was great to remember how the positives in my mom’s life were also accompanied by her own needs and desires. She did the best she could and since she did it trusting in God to help her, many fruits came of it. Our lives should be not different; flawed by who we are, but fruitful from the flow of God’s love through us to others, all others.

(Written 10/25, Posted 11/6, Job 208)