Job 16:3

Is there any end to your words of hot air?

   What afflicts you that you keep on speaking?

 

I was going over my checklist today. I did not fail at everything, so progress. I actually was hydrated when I went to give blood for some medical tests, so it was actually a good day. I have gotten better at not overeating, but it may mean I need to lower the bar from ‘overate’ to simply ‘ate more than I should have’.

‘Hot air’ was also ‘windy’, ‘long winded (speeches)’, and ‘vain’.

‘Afflicts’ was also ‘provokes’, ‘has’, ‘emboldens’, ‘torments’, and ‘compels’.

Biggest thoughts from today were the balance between appearances and impact. Multiple people have expressed thoughts that I am not working hard enough.  One has no idea how to track effort, and the other has no clue what I really do. One knows exactly how much I get paid for what I do, and the other has no idea. My ask of God is where my duty lies? To teach the one about what work looks like or teach the other about results. I’d prefer neither, but not every day can go like this one.

A baseball card went missing from a show. I had thousands of dollars and hundreds of cards, and only one expensive, almost irreplaceable card got lost. Some thought it might have been stolen, but I probably just dropped it, and someone less than perfectly honest picked it up and kept it. I knew I should not have taken it, but I did and naturally it was the one that didn’t make it home. There is a remote chance I overlooked it when going through everything I took, but I doubt it. Of course, over the last few days I have forgotten so many things that I am beginning to question my memory beyond the ADD thing. (Update: Turns out I was smart enough to not take it, but I was too stupid to look for it in the stack of cards that I got in the mail that day.)

I made lists today, and followed lists I made. I still did not get everything done, but I was productive. If I was this productive every day, I might someday catch up to my really old goals of being organized. My Atomic Habits book that I just read has reinforced my aversion to goals, but it has replaced the assumed need for goals with the real need of a plan. Goals are like the destination, but the plan is the journey and that is what I want to focus on. Going to Key Largo was nice, but when we got back home I was not the better for it except in that I worked on my plan.

As I reread the verse, I feel as though I am the one spewing hot air and that I do have some affliction that drives me to do so. I taught four lessons of Sunday School recently, and I was filled with joy for the opportunity and know that this is my spiritual gift. One person even said I was good at it. But those were the only four weeks I showed up to class for that whole period. I do not feel like I belong to the group. Something is missing for me, and I will continue to sit on the sidelines waiting until I find my group or figure out how to belong anyway.

 

Written 3/17-20/25, Posted 7/16/25, Job 377